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An Idiot's Guide to Writing the Perfect Yelp Review

Sean H.


Olivia (owner and bartender): I asked another patron how many people he's met who have been to London twice this year. She interrupted from across the bar and said that my question was offensive. She yelled at me, "I guess we are just a bunch of bucked-toothed losers".

This is a plain vanilla case of someone with an inferiority complex. I was chatting with a guy from Northern England at a pub in the middle of Houston. I was *not* referring to her pub or the other patrons being poor or 'toothless', and I'm not sure what convoluted logic she tapped to arrive at such a baseless and errant conclusion.

Olivia was pushy and rude most of the night. I suspect that she's in the wrong business. When you're behind the bar, you are in customer service, not senior management. If that's a problem, then you should speak with the owner about your being mis-assigned given your severely lacking skill-set in dealing with customers.

On the positive side, she did recommend a good beer to me. That doesn't make up for the un-triggered hostility towards me and my wife.

Bottom line: if you want to be insulted by someone who is offended by you before you even open your mouth, then this is the bar for you. If you just want to relax after work with your wife of 24 years, then DO NOT GO HERE. I can assure you that Olivia is already angry with you.


In response to Olivia's response that I said "I can't imagine anyone here being world travelers", I'll make three points:

1. That's a flat out lie and we both know it (a common trait of those with an inferiority complex is lying to justify their child-like, self-serving behavior). For those that frequent the pub, please ask Justin or the fellow from Yorkshire exactly what I said. They know the truth, and it's that Olivia is a bully liar. I made no such statement. Olivia, your regulars may read this...and knowing that your statements are false, it's quite off-putting to them. Keep this up and you'll have no regulars. Besides, what moron would make a statement like that in a bar where he knows no one? I'm 5'8" and 50 years old. I'm not going to walk into a hockey bar and call the patrons a bunch of local's practically asking for a beat-down. Readers should take a queue from my well reasoned and clearly articulated this the writing of a punk looking to get into bar fights. Come on Olivia, you really need to work on your least come up with a lie that's believable...because your mis-quote is simply not credible.

2. You were quite happy to take the beads that I so generously offered, free of charge. Now it's awkward? Once again, lying after the fact to justify your poor behavior. Readers, please ask Justin his opinion of what kind of guy I am.

3. A quick scan of other folks' reviews reveals a recurring pattern of Olivia being rude to patrons. Readers shouldn't draw broad conclusions from this one anecdotal case. You should make your own judgement...and the repeated rudeness of Olivia to customer after customer does not paint a pretty picture of her poor attitude.

I know who I am, and the other folks at the bar know as well. You are the only one who has an issue with me.

Regarding your judgement about me 'ignoring my poor wife', I've been happily married for 24 years while you failed at marriage. I'd advise that you stay in your lane. My wife couldn't handle your incessant blasphemy and poor attitude and decided to disengage from your abusive nature by texting with her sister-in-law...since you inquired.

Olivia, here's a chance to improve yourself. When you feel that everyone else is wrong and you are right...chances are you are probably wrong. Step up and improve yourself. An inferiority complex is a treatable personality flaw having a reasonable success rate in bettering yourself and your life. It comes down to how you view are a single mom who's balanced running a business and keeping a good relationship with the kids' biological father. You should view yourself in a better light up front. If you constantly think that everyone feels that they are better than you up front, then your interpersonal relationships will suffer.

edit 2:

This is how you handle great customers? *You* said that you and the girl at the bar were intimately involved while you shook your bottom. *You* loudly proclaimed that you dumped your husband and now you get as much tail as you want. And now you are going to pull the "I'm a woman" victim card to the evil predator Sean? Don't act like you're from Babylon and then blame it on the tyranny of evil men. Look in the mirror kid. Olivia, you are embarrassing yourself. Readers, read both of our comments with an open mind and it is clear where the truth reside

owners response:


What you actually said was, “I can’t imagine anyone here being world travelers”. As you were dominating everyone’s conversations and pushing yourself on them. And yes it was rude. And no I’m not sorry for telling you so. Feel free to not rejoin us.

Your wife was lovely and polite by-the-way. And it’s not like you were trying to “relax” with your wife. As soon as you walked in the bar you were trying to engage with anyone else. She was left to sit quietly as you awkwardly passed out mardis gras beads to all of us.

I think maybe you were trying to be sweet but it’s hard to tell because you’re so pushy,


In the simplest terms: the lady doth protest too much.

You don’t fit in here and that’s fine. We aren’t a match. It’s true. I’m brash and have zero tolerance for bologna. From the moment you walked in and asked if you could watch me and another guest perform sexually for you, to the beads, to the putting yourself in other peoples conversations, to the blindness to how offensive you were as a person, we just aren’t meant to be. I think we should see other people. It’s not’s me. I mean I’m just really busy right now with work and stuff.

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